Celestial Weaponry

Edit: In case anyone is interested, this is the youtube video that helped me beat the lightning dodge challenge.

So, basically I thought that dodging 200 lightning bolts in FFX was a cruel and unreasonable requirement to acquire Lulu’s Onion Knight. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t even try, fuck the Thunder Plains and fuck the Onion Knight and fuck everything in between, because I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated dodging lightning bolts.

At some point, I became possessed of the idea that there must be some way to achieve this, since pretty much everyone else had. So I looked it up on youtube and discovered a handy little technique to reliably trigger lightning bolts as opposed to waiting for them to randomly occur and inevitably zap Tidus.

It took me almost 3 hours and a near nervous breakdown, but I did it. I dodged 202 lightning bolts, got the Lightning Dancer trophy, and the Venus sigil, and for the first time in what – 13 years? I had the PS2 edition as well – fully charged the Onion Knight.

That’s it, I thought. That’s the absolute most intensely hateful thing I have ever endured, and I won, and now I can do anything, because fuck the Thunder Plains.

I already had Rikku’s Godhand, Auron’s Murasame, and Yuna’s Nirvana. My husband will do the blitzball shit for me, since I loathe blitzball, and he’s going to try his hand at the butterfly game for Khimari.

That leaves me to acquire Tidus’s Caladbolg.

Which I failed to pick up after fighting Yunalesca, and since I wasn’t expecting Dark Bahamut to be guarding it, I had to spend a couple of days leveling up enough to fight him, only to discover that I’m a cheating piece of shit who just pays Yojimbo to use Zanmato. Oops.

So, I got the Sun Crest. Great. It’s fucking useless without the sword and the sigil, both of which can only be obtained through chocobo training and racing.

Fine, I thought, that’s fine. Chocobo training and racing will be a breeze compared to dodging 200 lightning bolts, I fear nothing. Sure, I’ve never bothered to train a chocobo before, because I never cared about the ultimate weapons until trophies were involved, but come on now, 200 lightning bolts. Riding a mutant chicken around the Calm Lands will be nothing.

I was so innocent, then. How could I have known?

The opening test involved guiding your large feathered freak on a sobriety test – get the drunk, careening fucker from Point A to Point B within the assigned time constraints. Simple enough. My arrogance grew.

The next test saw you guiding your chocobo down the same line, this time under the threat of blitzballs shooting at it like canon balls, threatening to stun your squawking idiot if struck by one. A bit more difficult, but nothing my swollen ego and misguided sense of accomplishment couldn’t handle.

Then came the next challenge: dodge blitzballs AND an assault of asshole birds who intentionally fly at you in an attempt to stun you. This obstacle you were supposed to finish in 18.5 seconds.

I think my best time so far has been 22.1.

I’m ready to grab the PS3, punch it until it bleeds my blood, and then hurl it’s battered, blood-slicked carcass into the street, so that I can back over it in my car on my way out to pick my daughter up from pre-school.

Man, I haaaaaaated the lightning bolt challenge. I despised it. I once got up to 150 only to be sent back to the starting point by a fucking errant bolt of lightning because I hit the X button a split second too late. I thought for sure that I was going to have a complete meltdown over that shit, and that no other “mini-game” on earth could ever be more infuriating – not even blitzball. I thought that once I’d acquired the Onion Knight, the rest of the celestial weapons would be nothing more than a minor inconvenience.

But I was wrong.

I was just so fucking wrong.