A Slow, Excruciating Life

So far, a lie and a trap.

 

I’ve been playing a lot of this since it was released on the PS4. I did have it for the gamecube way back when (and still do) and did not like it at all, but with the addition of trophies (and all the other crap that the PS2 “Special Edition” port came with), I decided to give it another go.

It’s… going.

I’m about halfway through Fall of the first year (each “season” lasting 10 days, which, honestly, is still too fuckin’ long, what is this game’s problem) and I just. I have 2 cows (one of which is too young to impregnate, which means no milk from her goofy ass for the foreseeable future, since a cow has to breed, birth, and only gives mother’s milk for 10 days, before finally, finally producing a year’s worth of milk you can actually sell), 2 chickens (I fucking hate chickens in all forms and these feathered fucks are no exception), a sheep (apparently these flops only provide wool once a year??), and a horse (provides nothing of value, but it does help get around the village faster).

So obnoxious.

“I’m going to die alone!”

 

Anyway. Basically just trudging through the rest of the year now. I’ve already proposed to my girl, Muffy, because otherwise she’ll just go spend the rest of the game crying on the bridge. I remember playing it back on the GC and being disgusted at the fact that the game would basically force you to marry Muffy at the end of the first year, if you hadn’t already proposed to anyone else.

Back in my GC days, I was all about Nami, but I was also all about not actually playing this game because it sucked, so I never even made it past the first week or two, in-game. This time around, I did a little reading up beforehand and discovered that Nami can go fuck herself, and I actually really like Muffy? A lot? Like I-might-have-a-little-crush-irl a lot? She seems like such a sad, lonely character who just desperately wants to have a family with… basically anyone, I guess, but the only people in town are her father figure, married couples, kids, a weird hairy thing that’s mostly a head with arms and feet, Daryl, a yeti, and the elderly.

“I’m only marrying you because the inn won’t let me stay for free.”

 

So many great options. Not. I guess Marlin would be okay, although if I were the shipping type, I’d probably go with Muffy/Lumina (who I would have married if not for the fact that she spends the entire first year as a child, and you have to court and propose to her while she’s still a minor, and I just??? Why??? NO?? This shouldn’t have been an option? She has an adult form? Why the fuck? Miss me with this Harvest Moon: A Pedophile’s Life bullshit). But I think actual, consenting adult Lumina would be a good match for Muffy, more-so than any of the available male characters in Forget-Me-Not Valley.

Thus concludes my strange and unnecessary presentation on why I’ve decided to marry one set of pixels over another, thanks for scrolling past without reading, you made the right choice.

But seriously, the crop system in this game is no fun at all, the animals have such strange and asinine requirements (the cows, wtfffff), everything sells for a fucking pittance so saving up money to actually buy anything is just impossible, the only things you can ship on a daily basis are animal products (milk, eggs), and crops (which I hate), so all flowers, ores, fish, etc, have to be sold directly to Van, who only comes twice a season. Also, he just stands around in his “shop” (a blanket on the fucking ground with a sign next to it? What kind of successful business…) sweating and all anyone does is talk about how fucking fat he is and how they worry about the structural integrity of their buildings when he’s inside (holy shit ruby) and I just. Okay. I don’t actually mind any of this, but the actual mechanics of selling him shit are sheer buffoonery. This game moves so s l o w. Everything takes forever, except for the horse, but then mounting and dismounting are a pain in the ass, so it’s still a bittersweet victory.

I don’t know, man. I’m gonna keep playing, and keep complaining, but so far, I’m not in love with it. I’m not even in like with it. I’m too used to newer Harvest Moons (Animal Parade being my true HM love, it’s just such a nice little game with so many good marriage candidates) and Story of Seasons: Trio of Towns (fewer marriage candidates, but I did have a hard time choosing between Komari and the twins; ultimately, I chose Komari because I liked her dad), which have really streamlined a lot of different processes and are just all-over better gaming experiences, as far as farming simulators go.

For what it’s worth, I don’t like Stardew Valley, either, so I might just have the worst possible taste in this area.

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