I’m sorry, I must have lied.

I thought “Barefoot in the Dark” was just going to be a one-shot, instead it seems that I will be taking on yet another mini-series. I tried to talk myself out of it, but I never listen to reason.

Today has been fairly quiet. I cleaned the kitchen and watched a “Property Brothers” marathon, a life choice I previously found unthinkable. Those two aren’t half as obnoxious as I thought they’d be, although I’m still convinced that at least one of their parents is an amphibian. Potential home buyers were every bit as infuriating as I’ve come to expect them to be after multiple viewings of “Flip or Flop” and “House Hunters”. “But I’m entitled to the 7000sqf house with the granite counter tops and the stainless steel appliances and the hardwood floors and I for damn sure deserve it for under $400,000!” Eat cold shit, fuckstain. “Tiny House Hunters” is one I truly hope to never see again, because I just cannot handle the plaintive complaints of “but it’s so small!”

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Sorry about your extensive fucking brain damage, tiny house hunters. Maybe you should invest that tiny house money into hiring a professional to further examine your tiny brain and figure out what the fuck is wrong with it.

I guess Food Network Star is on tonight. If they don’t get rid of Tregaye’s Human Tumblr ass tonight, I’m going to flip the fleek out. Every time that ~whimsical~ banshee opens her mouth, she’s got my throbbing forehead vein POPPIN’. Not that I even care who wins this season, everyone left is infuriating. I was all in for Lunch Lady and Yaku, but they axed them a couple weeks back, so now I’m just hate watching in order to see everyone have their dreams of eating shit in restaurants and having it televised snatched away from them.

Finally, I have to admit, guinea pigs were probably the worst decision I’ve ever made. They’re not actually that bad, but I feel like guinea pig ownership is nothing more than constant shit removal because that’s all they do. Their entire lives. Eat, sleep, shit. Scream when they see me because they know it is I, Lord of the Food Scoop, great and powerful provider of fruit and salad. I don’t hate them, really, but I won’t miss them… five-to-eight years from now when they finally leave this life behind to return to guinea pig hell.

And that is my life for the foreseeable future.

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