Celestial Weaponry

Edit: In case anyone is interested, this is the youtube video that helped me beat the lightning dodge challenge.

So, basically I thought that dodging 200 lightning bolts in FFX was a cruel and unreasonable requirement to acquire Lulu’s Onion Knight. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t even try, fuck the Thunder Plains and fuck the Onion Knight and fuck everything in between, because I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated dodging lightning bolts.

At some point, I became possessed of the idea that there must be some way to achieve this, since pretty much everyone else had. So I looked it up on youtube and discovered a handy little technique to reliably trigger lightning bolts as opposed to waiting for them to randomly occur and inevitably zap Tidus.

It took me almost 3 hours and a near nervous breakdown, but I did it. I dodged 202 lightning bolts, got the Lightning Dancer trophy, and the Venus sigil, and for the first time in what – 13 years? I had the PS2 edition as well – fully charged the Onion Knight.

That’s it, I thought. That’s the absolute most intensely hateful thing I have ever endured, and I won, and now I can do anything, because fuck the Thunder Plains.

I already had Rikku’s Godhand, Auron’s Murasame, and Yuna’s Nirvana. My husband will do the blitzball shit for me, since I loathe blitzball, and he’s going to try his hand at the butterfly game for Khimari.

That leaves me to acquire Tidus’s Caladbolg.

Which I failed to pick up after fighting Yunalesca, and since I wasn’t expecting Dark Bahamut to be guarding it, I had to spend a couple of days leveling up enough to fight him, only to discover that I’m a cheating piece of shit who just pays Yojimbo to use Zanmato. Oops.

So, I got the Sun Crest. Great. It’s fucking useless without the sword and the sigil, both of which can only be obtained through chocobo training and racing.

Fine, I thought, that’s fine. Chocobo training and racing will be a breeze compared to dodging 200 lightning bolts, I fear nothing. Sure, I’ve never bothered to train a chocobo before, because I never cared about the ultimate weapons until trophies were involved, but come on now, 200 lightning bolts. Riding a mutant chicken around the Calm Lands will be nothing.

I was so innocent, then. How could I have known?

The opening test involved guiding your large feathered freak on a sobriety test – get the drunk, careening fucker from Point A to Point B within the assigned time constraints. Simple enough. My arrogance grew.

The next test saw you guiding your chocobo down the same line, this time under the threat of blitzballs shooting at it like canon balls, threatening to stun your squawking idiot if struck by one. A bit more difficult, but nothing my swollen ego and misguided sense of accomplishment couldn’t handle.

Then came the next challenge: dodge blitzballs AND an assault of asshole birds who intentionally fly at you in an attempt to stun you. This obstacle you were supposed to finish in 18.5 seconds.

I think my best time so far has been 22.1.

I’m ready to grab the PS3, punch it until it bleeds my blood, and then hurl it’s battered, blood-slicked carcass into the street, so that I can back over it in my car on my way out to pick my daughter up from pre-school.

Man, I haaaaaaated the lightning bolt challenge. I despised it. I once got up to 150 only to be sent back to the starting point by a fucking errant bolt of lightning because I hit the X button a split second too late. I thought for sure that I was going to have a complete meltdown over that shit, and that no other “mini-game” on earth could ever be more infuriating – not even blitzball. I thought that once I’d acquired the Onion Knight, the rest of the celestial weapons would be nothing more than a minor inconvenience.

But I was wrong.

I was just so fucking wrong.


2 thoughts on “Celestial Weaponry

  1. OMG, this post made me laugh. I love your FFX blogging! I’m trying to get the celestial weapons now myself. I got Yuna’s very easily. Tidus’ is so damn hard. I haven’t tried to get Lulu’s yet. I still need to get a piece of equipment that has No Encounter so battles don’t interrupt me.

    Anyway, good luck getting the rest of them!

    1. Thank you for the comment!

      Yuna’s was hands down the easiest. Auron and Rikku’s weren’t difficult, either, just a little time consuming. Those little cactuar pricks were no match for Anima’s pain, but a “no encounters” shield was essential, since running back and forth from one end of the desert to the other 9 different times would have taken hours. Lulu’s was another one that took forever, but bless that youtube video. Khimari’s butterfly thing is irritating, although I could probably do it if I was willing to make the effort (spoiler alert: I’m not). I would rather slam my own hand in a door until I passed out from the pain than ever willingly subject myself to Blitzball, so I knew from the beginning that Wakka could piss off. I was absolutely not anticipating the horror of chocobo racing, though. I had no idea just what a mess that entire challenge was, and I am pissed. Chocobos are the dumbest things imaginable, I just want to drive them to the brink of extinction.

      Unfortunately, I’m pretty much done with FFX, story-wise. I’ve already fought Seymour’s final form, so I just have Jecht, the aeons and Yevon left now. I’m mostly just trophy farming at this point. I do have a rant about Braska coming up, and I fully intend to review “Eternal Calm” (haven’t watched it yet) and the audio drama, along with live blogging my journey through FFX-2. Hopefully these will be of some interest.

      Good luck to you, as well! Especially when it comes to the lightening dodge. I still tremble with rage just thinking about it. Hopefully you have an easier time of it.

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